The Foundation of Canada

Canada has a proud, illustrious history. We all know that Canada was originally founded as a massive ring for Vikings to stage their legendary Wrestling Matches. The Vikings stumbled upon America while they were looking for a chest of Dabloons. When they arrived at America, they were sorely disappointed to find that the whole continent lacked a unified wrestling federation. They naturally abandonded their settlements and moved to Sweden to found IKEA.

(Average Viking Wrestler)

Many years later, the Spaniards decided to found their wrestling federation in the New World. This would prove to be problematic when they found that the cosmos' best Luchador, famed for his feathered mask, Quetzalcoatl (see picture to right); was living in Mexico at the time, and would be obligated to defend his title against any and all foreign Wrestlers.

(Quetzalcoatl)

It was then that the concerned parties, the Mexican Wrestling Federation (Or NAMBLA), and the Spaniard investors that wanted all the Pesos that they could wring out of Pay Per View rights on a North American Wrestling network; decided to use the most barbaric means available to them to solve their differences. Pick up Soccer (or Futbol)

The game was to take place in the neutral territory of Canada, known even in the Long Long Ago for being a land of pussies. Women and children were lined up and executed with cannonballs covered in black and white polygons (a symbol of racial unity; which is why Canada didn't have slavery.)

The good natured game eventually evolved into a savage game of what could only be described as "Iron Chef", but with guns, spears and mass human sacrifice. It was eventually decided that Firearms outstripped the Mexican strategy of killing trained warriors to appease a masked wrestler. When all of the chaos settled the Canadians decided that they would never again let such barbarism touch its golden shores, so they took up the totally non-violent sports of Hockey, and Bear Hunting.

(Canadian Brown Bear )

The Viking would later return to Canada, mercilessly stalking the countryside like Chupacabra. Accept that most Vikings (or Neo-Vikings) do not have a taste for the blood of livestock.

(A Chupacabra)

This brings us to modern day Canada, a land infested with French-Canadians, Bears, Chupacabra and the odd Neo-Viking. Please keep the Canadian people in your prayers as they fend off the barbarian hordes of drunk hunters, and people who may or may not habitually drink the blood of Mexican Livestock (as vengeance for the war crimes committed by the Mexican Wrestling Federation in the infamous "Pay Per View Contract Conflict of '01)

PETA

I hate PETA. I hate them like I hate sitcoms, foreign ones. I hate them for their hypocrisy and their startling stupidity. I hate them for targeting children in their campaigns by telling them that "Their Mommies kill puppies" and giving money to convicted arsonists. I hate them for preaching that drinking milk exploits cows, buts it's ok for them to kill over 40,000 dogs and cats in one year. I hate them because they try to piss off religious groups and attacked the march of dimes and American Cancer society (because they test on animals.) PETA president Ingrid Newkirk has been quoted as saying “even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we would be against it.” PETA has used a related organization, the PETA Foundation, to fund the ironically named Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM), a shady animal rights group that proclaims itself as an unbiased source of medical and nutritional information. PCRM's president also serves as president of the PETA Foundation.

For more info, see www.petakillsanimals.com

Evidence of Wii's superiority

If you don't know what the Wii is, then hit the 'next blog' button. I'll wait.

Good, now that they're gone I can hose the PS3.

Did you notice that almost everybody who waited outside electronics stores to buy the PS3 had no interest in playing one? They were all there to line thier pockets with Ebay money. This is easilty explained, the PlayStation is a hellish abomination (like zombies and Jack Thompson, and members of PETA.)
The entire philosophy behind the PlayStation is to sell PC games, accept that you have to use a controller to play them and you cannot upgrade the hardware. In thoery, consoles should be better at playing video games than PCs, seeing as they are machines with the single purpose of playing games. In the past few years though, consoles have tried to act like little PCs; playing DVDs, editing pictures, going online and playing first person shooters. All this would be well and good if consoles could do any of these things with any measure of quality. So far, they have had VERY little success. (The only good console shooter, pretty much ever, was Goldeneye for N64)
First Person Shooters on any console (with one acception, the Wii) will always blow, because it is phisically impossible for any anolauge Joystick to rival the perfection of a mouse/keyboard combo. Why? Because Joysticks can only move at a few graduated degrees of sensitivity, and becuse you're thumb cannot match you're wrist in precise control.
I don't care how much Halo you play, it's a biological fact.
The Wii is the first console to abandon the control status quo (with the exception of the Virtual Boy, but I think that most will agree, that the Virtual Boy NEVER HAPPANED.) What has resulted is a platform where the worst games are still much more fun than anything on the "vastly superior" PS3.
Hell, the demo copies of Motorstorm for PS3s crash like drunk skiers. Sony was quoted as saying that this was intentional, "to prevent people from playing it too much." To be fair though, that is close to the truth, but it's mostly the fact the Motorstorm is an emberrassment to video games in every concievable fashion that keeps people from playing it. Playing motorstorm is like playing an RTS on the PSP, it's an exercise in self control, trying to fight the overwhelming urge to find the closest living thing and hurt it.

Fuck Jack Thompson

Seriously man, fuck that guy. Any lawyer that allows themself to go on a personal crusade agianst something that he doesn't agree with; and actully takes LEAGAL ACTION on his views should be sterilized an drop-kicked in the throat. I can see going on personal crusades against things that one doesn't agree with, hell, I do i constatly; but taking tenacius legal action is simply a textbook example of duech-baggery. Anyone as universally hated as Jack Thompson should take a long hard look at his present postion in life.

Fuck G-Phoria

Any Video Games award show that has the balls to hand Tony Hawk a fucking trophy for "Tony Hawk Pro Skater 34" deserves to have thier headquartes burned down (ironically, by an electrical fire from faulty PS2 wiring).
(by the way, in case the retard reading this drivle doesn't know, Tony Hawk had NOTHING to do with the game that whores his name)
If there was an award show that actually awarded people that had something to do with the creation of video games, not just the cheap whores that pose for the box art; then I would watch that show with such expectation, that outside observers may think I'm watching Tom Criuse getting kicked in the Vagina.
To make matters worse, the event is populated by the likes of Sammy L Jackson, the man-slut that compulsivly yells "MUTHA FUCKA" every three seconds; on or off screen. Jackson actually had the nerve to say "I like SHOOTERS" at the last years "event", seeming to suggest that he knows something about video games. While I am sure that the 'middle aged' age demographic must bring in most of the video game industry's profits, I'm pretty sure that the closest he's ever been to a LAN party, or even an XBox controller was while he was yelling at his spoiled grand-kids.
I even seem to remember Jenna Jameson giving one of the awards. Nice choice G4, this way not only will you lose all of your dwindling street-cred with the nerd poulation, but you'll also have the chance to hear the possibly illterate porn-star mispronounce some random movie-games' name.
The fact that G4 still considers themselves the "Video Game Channel" would be laghable, if it wasn't so pitifully sad. Considering for a second that they slit the throat of the only channel that had some semblence of crediblity when it came to video games, computers and the internet. Especially considering that the old relic, TechTV would have been able to produce much better hosts then Carmen Electra, such as Kevin Rose or, Martin Sargent; both of which stayed on the air (kinda) through podcasts. (admittedly though, now that Rose is a-rollin' in da benjamins, i doubt that he stoop down to whoring himself on the stage of G-Phoira)

So fuck you G-Phoria, Fuck you up yuor dumb ass

P.S. Martin, if your reading this, (seeing as on your show you said that you obsessivly search the blogs) Keep the faith Sarge

What sucks today

So, after a bit of math, I have figured that if all the prices stay the same, it would be completly possible to buy an XBox 360 and a Nintedo Wii for about the same price as a single (shittastic) PS3. Why does the PS3 lick so much balls you ask? Well i'll tell ya'! Any peice of gaming electronics that is neithier a complete PC -or- a transformer (the cool ones, not the dumb ones on 'beast wars') that cost upwards of $600 exist for the sole purpose of stealing and selling on Ebay. And frankly, I would not do well in prison. The Blu-Ray DVD drive is a needless item (seeing as selling one could finace the entire African continent for six days) and the latest offering controller wise could be built in my garage with a PS1 controller, a couple LEDs, a dismatled tv remote, and a soldering iron. The technical specs that they give out could only be real if they sacrificed a hundred virgins over a make-shift alter (made of a cubical desk), and if they go by the shining technical example if the PS2, featuring such gems as Dynasty Wars 83, who's gameplay reminds me heavily of playing GOOD games, and brings up the question "Why the crap am I playing PS2?" The graphics of the PS2 also remind me heavily of something, playing PS1. The only thing that they have going for them are thier franchises, like... um... Metal Gear... and...